Glenn Beck urges Americans to 'grow more gold immediately'

Cable news personality throws fit after factual error on program

Amanda Laffatt
La Lune de la presse internationale

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Cable television evangelist and notorious apocalypse enthusiast Glenn Beck has urged all Americans to grow more gold in light of recent economic events. On his show Wednesday, Beck prompted fellow citizens to cultivate the precious metal in their gardens in order to create enough of the it to pay off America's outstanding foreign debts, as well as back the dollar with a new gold standard.

"Every American needs to go outside, alot some of their yard space, because we know so many Americans are proud homeowners out there, and plant some gold. Grow more gold immediately. This is the solution to our problems," said the host during his broadcast. He then remarked to someone off-camera, "I'm surprised no one has thought of this before."

It was later pointed out to Beck by his fact-checkers - known as "Beck feckers" in the cable news circle - that gold is actually not grown but mined. The host quickly became irate and hostile. After threatening to sell his stock in the news network and file a complaint against his own show through the Federal Communications Commission, Beck then quickly stood up and threw several chairs and a cup of scalding hot coffee at his producer before running away sobbing loudly. The clip is expected to be leaked to a video-posting website by tomorrow.

New White House vegetable garden gets first crop circle

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Obama Administration reported that the first crop circle has appeared in the wheat section of the new organic vegetable garden, begun by the Obama family this spring.

"We were surprised, but then again we weren't," said White House spokesman Tad Strange. "Obviously we're a high profile target. Someone obviously likes us."

The crop circle was small, only several yards across. It covered the wheat, corn and some of the soy beans, but displayed all of the characteristics of other crop circles. DNA tests are underway to determine if the crop circle modified the genetic material in the plants, as has been the case elsewhere. If so, the White House may offer the plants to companies such as Monsanto for genetic testing.

"We sort of laughed at it, you know. It's kind of cute, in a way," said Strange. "We have our own little crop circle."

"The Obama girls were thrilled," he continued. "Every morning they get up all excited, wondering if today there's a new crop circle."

Wildfires threaten cute, cuddly forest animals worldwide

Ugly animals may also be in danger, experts warn

Ken Ustandet
La Lune de la presse internationale

CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA

Adorable forest species, such as koalas, squirrels, and many small furry rodents and mammals, may suffer a horrible fate of being burned to a crisp in temperatures exceeding 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit, wildlife experts stated on Thursday. Firefighters must intervene now to stop global warming before the fires can spread to other areas, causing more heartbreaking misery for the fuzzy creatures.

"We're trying to appeal to people's sense of compassion here," explained Herb 'Buzz' Dymebagh, a forest conservation and plant expert. "People just don't realize how many cute furry creatures are going to die here. Even ugly animals are affected."

Some experts have maintained that more cliche pictures of animal rescues must be ingrained into the public's conscience before the risk of large, uncontrollable fires caused by a warming planet and exponential CO2 emissions can be eliminated.

"If people just realized that by creating CO2, they're killing these cute little creatures, we'd have world peace and harmony and be able to bring our carbon footprint under control," said Shirley Heigh, a naturalist from the Public Animal Rehabilitation and Treatment Initiative, in association with the National Organization for Wildlife (PARTI-NOW). "We just need to know that everything is, like, really linked together, you know? There's not just 'me' and 'you,' but also, 'us.'"

Deeper words have rarely been spoken according to PARTI-NOW, who gave Heigh the top award for her work in animal conservation and plant cultivation in 2008.

Recent fires in Australia, California, Indonesia, Thailand, India, South Africa, Kenya, Congo, Spain, Portugal, Greece, Russia, China, France, Germany, Laos, New Zealand, Brazil, Chili, Mexico, Canada, Italy, Bosnia, Latvia, Denmark, Sweden, North Korea, French Indo-China Burma, and Vatican City may indicate that the frequency of such fires is indeed increasing. However, scientists from the US Environmental Protection Agency urge caution in linking the increase with global warming, stating that up to 93% of the planet is not currently on fire. Contrary to today, they maintain, up to 98% of the Earth may have been burning in the past, and all currently extinct cute creatures may have been brutally and tragically killed. Therefore, the EPA states in its latest report, it is too early to know.

General Motors introduces revolutionary car prototype

New automobile will 'change driving as we know it'

Hadde Nuff
La Lune de la presse internationale

DETROIT, MICHIGAN

General Motors stunned the world Monday when it unveiled its latest automobile prototype, the X2010, also nicknamed the "Air Hybrid." The vehicle, which is constructed of 100% air, contains no materials whatsoever and requires no energy input. "Indeed, the vehicle is practically non-existant," explained GM spokesman Rusty Pannells. "You don't even notice you're driving it. It's comfortable, quiet, and incredibly fuel efficient. We created this concept vehicle to reflect the changing times for the auto industry and symbolize what we feel the future holds for automobile transportation."

Consumers will be able to reserve the vehicle ahead of the 2009 production schedule through a special GM financing program. With as little as ten percent of the suggested entry level price of $30,000, consumers will be able to obtain the first vehicles to come off the production line next year.

"We had some odd questions during the unveiling," Pannells continued. "Some were the usual things, like 'What options does it come with?' or 'What colors are available?' But then there were some more unusual queries, like 'Where in the hell is it?' and 'How are we supposed to see it?' and so on."

In a statement released Monday, GM Vice President Ron Ganserr said: "This prototype is expected to be a big success in the American market, replacing most of the current fleet of SUVs on the road today. It should also be well adapted to the dwindling oil resources that are currently affecting oil prices."

Controversial weather forecast incites hate letter from senior citizen

Strongly worded paragraph criticizes Five Day Outlook

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

NEW ULM, MINNESOTA

Local resident Iona Haus, 78, of New Ulm, became irate late Friday after watching the five day weather forecast on local cable Channel 14. The incident resulted in a strongly-worded letter being sent to the meteorologist in charge of all local forecasting, Justin Kase, who has worked at the station for only several months.

"I couldn't believe it," said Mrs. Haus, a New Ulm resident all her life. "It was just so ridiculous. Back a few decades ago, we'd have never seen something like that. Now they think they can do all those fancy graphics, instead of giving the chance of rain like they should. They forget it's a public service, not a drug music concert. They should be ashamed of themselves and give their jobs to someone more competent. And those commercials are so darn loud."

Channel 14 refused comment after the letter was received Saturday, although one anonymous employee told the La Rochelle Times the scene in the Production and Editing room was "like a bloodbath."

"I'd be surprised if heads didn't roll over this," said the anonymous cameraman.

Disgruntled employee can't wait until manager checks e-mail

Alain Terrieur

La Lune de la presse internationale

WAUTOMA, WISCONSIN

Local fastfood restaurant employe Tara Buhl has become so disgruntled with upper level management that she has reportedly e-mailed pornographic pictures to her superiors in an elaborate attempt at insider blackmail that is destined to fail, sources reported to the La Rochelle Times on Friday. The bitter, caustic worker, who has worked increasingly longer hours at minimum wage for over six years, has "finally had enough of this bullshit job," it was learned early this morning.

In a fit of rage and vengeance, the grudge-bearing wage-earner gathered an assorted and offensive collection of photographs from a well-researched cross-section of pornographic Internet sites. The compilation, which will appear instantly on the screens of her higher-ups via e-mail, contains "an unbelievable amount of offensive erotic and fetish material," said Buhl. "I even sent them the links to the sites if they want to look at some more."

Buhl expects to lure some upper managment into consulting her pornographic references; then, upon employment termination, she will accuse random higher-ups of sexual harassment, abuse and exploitation. In so doing, Buhl is hoping for a protracted court case and legal settlement that would provide "tens of billions of dollars" for her and her family. Buhl's lawyer, Cheri Pikker, insisted that the record of abuse from higher-ups "will soon be well documented and easily provable through compromising digital extortion techniques. We may even ask the NSA for help on this. As a result we expect a large settlement and compensation package."

Inside sources have also reported that upper-management is aware of the plot and taking steps to avoid falling into any "porn traps" set up by "low-level peons" who "don't seem to understand their place in the company." The sources, who have asked to remain anonymous, said the "blackmail Internet porn scheme is ultimately destined to fail."

Regardless of the outcome, Buhl was excited after sending the pornographic links to her superiors. "I can't wait until they come in on Monday and check their messages," explained Buhl yesterday evening. "They'll never expect it with the subject line I used: 'Re: New delivery guidelines.' The look on their faces will be priceless."

Anna Nicole Smith bored with afterlife

BREAKING NEWS!!

'This is totally lame,' declares dead supermodel during ouiji session with reporters

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

PURGATORY, OUTER DARKNESS

Deceased supermodel Anna Nicole Smith made headlines again Friday as she announced from her temporary position in Purgatory that she was "completely bored" with the afterlife and that her experience after death was "totally lame." Since dying unexpectedly on February 8, 2007, the former celebrity has become disappointed with her experiences after passing on from her earthly life.

"This really sucks cause I can't get any prescriptions here," Smith told reporters telepathically early Friday morning.

Through a prolonged ouiji session with reporters Smith was able to communicate her complete and total dissatisfaction with "this stupid out of body experience." The former supermodel explained that she was happier on Earth under the influence of a cocktail of prescription medications that made her feel like she was "walking on clouds in heaven," and that her prolonged wait in Purgatory has been a sobering detoxification period in her eternal afterlife.

"I'm like SO bored here," Smith continued. "I mean, it's sort of cool to have complete wisdom and understanding of the universe with the possibility of infinite extradimensional existence, but, like, whatever, it's not the same as being on all the news networks and having my own personal pharmacy."

Economy: Analysts urge investment in anti-depressants

Shares of liquor, firearms manufacturers also suggested

Bull Marquette
Senior Economic Analyst
La Lune de la presse internationale

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Wall Street analysts urged investors to buy up stock in anti-depressant, alcohol and firearms manufacturers on Wednesday, stating that current market trends would create "an inevitable increased demand" for the latest drugs and weapons.

"What we're seeing is an incredible opportunity for investors," said hedge fund analyst Scott Free. "Basically every sector of the market is going bust, but we estimate that there will be a strong upcoming demand for anti-depressants, liquor and weapons."

Due to the increasing number of foreclosures and loan defaults in the United States, markets across the globe have been rattled by nervous investors who are trying to minimize their losses in the credit and financial sectors. Analysts chimed in Wednesday attempting to encourage "average, everyday investors" to "pour in their life savings now" while there's still time to invest in lucrative stocks.

Increased demand for anti-depressant drugs, alcohol and firearms may lead to a rally of those investment portfolios while all other categories "tank completely," investors said.

According to financial insiders, central banks worldwide are expected to continue to bail out anyone who invested "more than a million dollars" in the financial markets, which will limit liquidity injections to only the most wealthy investors.

"We're basically just encouraging anyone worth less than a million to invest in alcohol and firearms as a last ditch effort to save their retirement," commented Ari Minder, market analyst for Golden Parachute Investments.

Financial guru Rich "Dick" Prickardson, who just several months ago missed being added to the international list of billionaires by only twenty-five cents, said he was relieved by the Federal Reserve's bailout efforts.

"We know the Fed is stepping in to help out the little guys, like me," said Prickardson. "I think anyone who was saving for retirement would be happy investing in pharmaceuticals, like companies that produce anti-depressant drugs. There's going to be a strong demand for them in the upcoming months."

Increased incarceration of citizens to reduce dependency on foreign oil

'More behind bars, fewer in cars,' say experts

Ken Ustandet
La Lune de la presse internationale

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Citizens' Organization for National Security (CONS) urged lawmakers to pass more restrictive and draconian laws after the August 2007 recess, in order to dramatically increase the incarceration rates across the nation. The group claims in its latest report entitled Jailing America: The Road to Foreign Energy Independence that incarcerating more of the American population would decrease domestic reliance on oil imports.

"Right now the United States has about 2 million people incarcerated, or about 1% of the adult population," said Noah Paulajese, a spokesman for CONS. "What we're advocating is a much higher rate, along the lines of 20 to 30%. By locking up nearly a third of all American citizens, we can begin to reduce fuel usage, as these people will no longer be part of the active workforce. Their collective isolation from society will decrease energy consumption, by allowing the state to mandate their living conditions."

Paulajese further explained that Congress must act now to pass brand new rigorous and frivolous laws that would criminalize most, if not all, everyday behavior. Law enforcement officials could then begin detaining larger percentages of citizens, whose demand for energy would consequenty be removed from markets.

In the report, CONS suggested laws criminalizing behaviors such as excessively loud snoring, direct eye contact between members of the same sex, and overt yawning. Previously some conservative states have tried to adopt such measures, only to see support weaken among their human citizens. The CONS report is the first effort to advocate such legislation on a federal level.

Representative Amanda Tori Sentenz (R-FL) applauded the report early Thursday. "Frankly, it's about time we had a real discussion in this country about behavior that threatens our national security on a daily basis. I think linking our nation's safety with a smart energy policy is the best step forward, and I welcome this report from CONS, as I'm sure any patriotic American does.

"It's high time we took a stand against these horrible criminal acts," Sentenz continued. "I urge my colleagues to heed our words now, before it's too late. Last year alone, excessive snoring accounted for more than half of all national sleep loss, and those numbers are only going up. According to a recent government study, eye contact between members of the same sex has been observed in nearly every homosexual relationship. We need to put a stop to this before it destroys our families, our homes, and our children's future."

Some international oil companies were cautious after the release of the CONS report Wednesday, explaining that incarcerating too many Americans could bite into their profit margins.

"We need to be careful about how we go about these meaures," said BP spokesman Tony Blair. "I think most people accept a certain percentage of incarcerated Americans, maybe even as high as five percent, but taking things too far could erode the free market economy on which America so depends."

Republicans are expected to sway most Democratic lawmakers by September, when new laws will be quickly enacted in order to allow the Department of Homeland Security and other, privatized police forces to begin rounding up outlaws throughout the nation. The resulting boom in the prison population would have benefits for the economy as well, creating jobs in the corrections and law enforcement sectors. New prison construction is also expected to offset the declining housing market.

Senator Phil Abusder (D-MI) was among the first to cross party lines and embrace the new policy suggestions on Thursday. At a press conference in Michigan the Senator explained that "adopting a higher incarceration rate would reduce a lot of the side effects of our dependency on foreign energy, and would help the economy by keeping down wages and unemployment. I intend to support whatever laws are needed to put a larger percentage of my constituents behind bars, and I hope all Democrats who love America will do the same."

Analysts enthusiastic about economy

Bush: 'We're at war with gravity'

Government agencies declare war against downward momentum in response to Wednesday's tragic bridge collapse

Ken Ustandet
La Lune de la presse internationale

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA

President Bush announced early Thursday that the United States would prevail in the newly launched "War on Gravity," which the President intends to fight "anywhere and everywhere gravity may hide." In response to the tragic collapse of the Interstate 35W bridge in Minneapolis Wednesday evening, government agencies reacted quickly to formulate a response that would counteract gravity's latest attacks against the vulnerable homeland.

"My administration and me intend to do anything I can to stop these evil acts of downward aggression," the President said during his announcement at the White House. "I've been talking with my advisors, and we think we have a pretty good idea where these gravity-based forces might be hiding. The American people need to know I'm going to do everything in my power to stop these evil forces before they act again."

The Department of Homeland Security followed up on the President's announcement by stating that excessive gravitational forces would be sought out and destroyed throughout the country. Anyone caught "aiding or abetting" the gravitational pull of the earth could be subject to secret CIA imprisonment and newly improved interrogation methods. "We intend to use gravity as a tool to fight the War on Gravity," said one expert. "Don't think for a minute that we don't know how to use gravity to get answers from those that may seek to protect these evil physical forces."

Some critics argued that the crisis should be handled on a more local level. Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty had not yet reacted to the President's statements on Thursday, but some analysts predict that as a result of the bridge collapse Minnesota could choose to invade a neighboring state, such as Wisconsin, Iowa or South Dakota, in order to stop gravity's advancing threat in the region. Others suggested that the state take extraordinary measures, such as detaining citizens without probable cause, repealing any and all civil rights, and authorizing widespread wiretapping of citizens, to thwart any future gravity-driven tragedies.

Around the state reaction was mixed.

"This is what happens when you elect a Muslim to Congress," said Ari Minder, a Minneapolis resident who was referring to Keith Ellison (D-MN), the first openly Muslim Congressman.

"We felt this coming," said another man. "Gravity has been after us for years, but we won't let it get us down."

African Union moves to adopt the Afro

Hairstyle to unite sub-Saharan nations

Luc Attmi
La Lune de la presse internationale

OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO

In a move designed to foster a sense of community, leaders from African Union countries voted Thursday to adopt the Afro, sources in Ouagadougou reported. When the new measure takes effect in January 2009, all African hairstyles will be switched over to an Afro-based model. All individuals will be expected to use the Afro in all forms of social transactions to build cultural equity amongst the nations.

The move was hailed by Afro enthusiasts around the world, who called the development a clear and concise step towards unity on the African continent. Despite widespread wars, disease, famine, poverty, drought, inequality, exploitation, slavery, corruption, lawlessness, revolt, environmental damage and misery, the decision to adopt the Afro signals a decisive step by continental leaders to confront the sensitive issue of differences in hairstyles throughout the 53 nation African Union.

Starting in 2009, any citizen who does not adopt the Afro could be subject to fines, imprisonment, dirty looks or execution, depending on which repressive measures individual nations choose to adopt. Citizens in member states are widely expected to embrace the switchover to the Afro as a base hairstyle, although enthusiasm was limited after the announcement.

"I just don't see how this is going to change the situation in our nation," said one detractor on the streets of Ougadougou. "Some people like the Afro, but I don't know if it's a good idea to make it a standard in all the countries. People should be free to use the hairstyle they want in everyday social transactions."

Nigerian government spokesman Kwasi Freeman maintained that people would be delighted at the unifying hair theme.

"This will create an unbreakable bond of brotherhood between the many different African cultures and religions. This way, we can slowly erase the subtle differences that make each nation unique, by creating one hairstyle for everyone, and enjoying the peace, unity, stability that follows throughout Africa."

America to build moat

Candice Maistaille
Foreign News Correspondant

SPECIAL REPORT

From the Onion News Network

French auto industry welcomes Sarkozy win

'We're going to have to replace a lot of vehicles,' say automakers

Alain Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

PARIS, FRANCE

After the triumpant and glorious victory of Nicolas Sarkozy over the French electorate on Sunday, when the newly elected head of state received 129% of the popular vote, automobile makers celebrated the continued governance of the conservative right. Congratulating Mister Sarkozy for his well-run campaign against the other less-qualified candidates, the presidents of Renault, Citroën and Peugeot have annonced they will continue to support conservative politics in France, in order to create a greater demand for new vehicles.

"On average, every day in France there are three hundred cars that are burned," explained François-François François, a spokesman for Renault. "With Mister Sarkozy coming to power, we hope that we can double or even triple this number. People in France will have to buy more and more cars to replace the burned out ones, and this will quickly improve our profit margins."

The directors of several French automobile companies will soon hold a meeting with the new government in order to formulate new political measures and stimulate economic growth. They hope to develop plans to bring about more violence in troubled neighborhoods and sensitive areas, in order to rapidly increase the demand for new vehicles that will be produced cheaply in Eastern Europe. Citizens will be encouraged to replace their destroyed vehicles with new ones at three times their actual retail value in order to help improve the French economy.

"This is a new plan which goes perfectly with the ideologies of Mister Sarkozy," commented Destin Toulouse, a member of Peugeot's Board of Directors. "By creating some more misery in the poor areas, we create more violence, and a lot more cars will go up in flames. With the new strikes we're expecting, public transport will be at a standstill. So, out of necessity, people will have to buy new cars on credit, and that will prop up the banks, the automotive industry, and even the justice system. The Socialists could never have given us such an opportunity."

Sarkozy wins French election with 129% of the vote

'We believe the results are completely trustworthy,' says Interior Ministry

Alex Terrieur
La Lune de la presse internationale

PARIS, FRANCE

Conservative presidential candidate Nicolas Sarkozy easily won the second round of the French elections Sunday, taking in a whopping 129% of the popular vote, sources reported to the La Rochelle Times. Socialist candidate Ségolène Royal received a mere -29%. The vote tally was based on a new computer system set up by the Interior Ministry, which used an experimental calculation method. In socialist-leaning neighborhoods, as well as areas with high percentage of government employees, all recorded tallies gave two votes per person to Nicolas Sarkozy, and negative one to Ségolène Royal. In more "normal" communities, with a white majority of households who earn more than forty thousand Euros annually, each vote was counted only three times in favor of Mister Sarkozy. According to the Interior Ministry, the new system "worked quite well" and "the result is very reliable, if perhaps somewhat audacious," explained Anne Equedotte, a spokeswoman for French polling places. "There's really no reason to doubt the results," she added. "We believe they are completely trustworthy."

France celebrates its new President elected by a supermajority

Throughout France people welcomed the results and began looking forward to the new "Sarkozy era."

"It's awesome that Sarkozy is President," said a young man from a poor neighborhood in Nantes. "I mean I've had enough of going to school and all that, and now I'll have it easy in prison. I won't have to take care of my family and my neighbors and all that bullshit. It's going to be fucking great!"

In Bercy there was a similar mood. "Hell yeah, it's awesome that Mister Sarkozy got elected!" explained a student from Paris' prestigious Ecole de Sciences Politiques. "I'm happy that we French had the sensibility to elect a new President by an absolute supermajority, who won't be afraid to reform everything to be more like the United States. It's about time! I'm so fucking happy about the results! And I think every French person should be obliged to think the same way, because there's absolutely no reason to doubt the voting results."

The new President-elect was expected late in the evening for a speech in Paris. Most of the electorate that voted in Socialist-leaning communities were ready to leave as early as tomorrow for new re-education camps, where they would learn how to respect their new President and render service unto the Republic under his new leadership.

The highly reputed La Rochelle Times will keep readers informed of this story as it develops.

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